Dallas does...her return.

Okay, so this is the part where I say how my horribly busy life has kept me from writing on my blog for about a month. It's a fairly acceptable excuse for a college student, though calling my Winter Break life busier than my school life is somewhat of a stretch.
The only thing I was busy doing was reveling in just how not busy I was. I laid on my favorite couch for hours at a time becoming re-addicted to Grey's Anatomy and far too familiar with the Cable schedule. I even did puzzles with my grandma, and watched Jeopardy.
It was an altogether relaxing Winter Break, and I wouldn't have dared to ask for anything better.
But the thing is, no matter how still I sit, I can't turn-off my whirring brain. And I can't ignore how worried I am about how fast time seems to be slipping away these days or how sad I still am about some events of the autumn.
In between wonderful nights watching Pretty Woman with my mom or sitting around talking with my best friends, I was forced to confront a version of myself that was missing her sparkle. A version that didn't feel the same comfort in her own skin from a few months before, or confidence that no matter how complicated things seemed, everything would turn out all right in the end.
My fall semester was wonderful. I did a lot of growing-up, spent time with great people and continued to succeed at a school that I love. I was happy, and convinced that this happiness was stemming from self-confidence and self-love. But one day a sneaking suspicion crept into my thoughts- maybe I was only happy because I wasn't letting myself be sad. And when you're everybody's rainbow-girl, it's a very scary thing to feel so suddenly detached from yourself.
Now, I'm certainly not unhappy. I continue to love every crazy, spectacular, beautiful day that I get to wake-up and be Kelsey. But there was a piece of me that had to admit my idealism (as evidenced in the way I talk about love on this website) could be like a set of blinders keeping me from being truly in-tune with my life. And so I was determined to be more careful with myself, to make sure I wasn't letting a glued-on smile keep me from experiencing the world as I ought to.
So Winter Break was my thinking zone. And now I've returned. Returned to school, returned to blogging and slowly but steadily returning to the same kind of trust relationship I had with my idealism.
For the past month I tried to so hard to try to make sure that my optimism wasn't setting me up for some kind of giant disappointment. All I've been able to conclude is that I'm a lot happier being happy than I am being confused.
I know it's not normal to expect happy endings, but I don't want to stop myself from believing in them.
Hopefully, you're glad I've returned to you. It's going to be another long semester. New classes, new people and new efforts to make every single day special.
I really do believe that with new year comes a clean slate. And the first thing I'm drawing on mine is a smiley face.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Peace, love and pep,
Kels.

Dallas does...changelings.

I find myself in the midst of yet another finals week, this one less about horrifying tests than about keeping my motivation high enough to make it to Friday (and Lincoln, IL) in one piece. And along with countless hours spent taking practice tests and writing note packets has come the opportunity to indulge myself in episode after episode of Friday Night Lights.
Now this show, which is not TV gold by any means, is your typical weekly teen drama. It follows a group of kids who are trapped in high school indefinitely while ratings are high, ultimately defying the notion that a person only gets one senior year.
The whole reason I got hooked on the show was my obsession with its featured couples. Now you'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now to the tune of Blair and Chuck and Rory and Jess, but I just can't stop myself from using perfect TV couples as positive influences on my idealistic ideas about love.
But what I've realized- from within the depths of my snuggly comforter- is that the stories this show and shows like it are pushing is absolutely poisonous to the mindset of a young woman.
Friday Night Lights highlights (especially within Season 3) the ups and downs of Tim and Lyla. The dark, brooding Tim is a sex god of epic proportions in Dillon and can only be tamed by the beauty and kindheartedness of Lyla. We follow them through their arguments and loving moments, ultimately watching as they become yet another young couple not yet able to face the world as an eternal pair.
Pretty routine, right? And of course I ate it all up in one big bite. Episode after episode when I should have been learning the particle qualities of light.
But then one night the unpleasant underbelly of it all slapped me right in the face. The whole point of their relationship is that Lyla tames the wild Tim. Tames him. Like a lion or something. She works her pretty little butt off to make him live up to his potential and it's the love of a good woman that keeps him motivated.
Okay, so we all want to be a good woman, but do we all really want to be tamers of men?
Haha, before you purchase a nice whip, just hear me out.
If you start a relationship with someone knowing that there are changes to be made before you reach happily ever after, you've already made a misstep. What if the changes never happen? Can you live with that? Or will it eat at you, like you've failed him and yourself in some way?
There are plenty of men in the world available to be your guy. To let you be 'their gal.'
But how may of them are ready for you? Ready for you right now.
A relationship is a lot of hard work, no doubt about it. But the work should be learning how to take care of each other. Learning that the only thing that makes her feel better when she's sad is eating brownie batter or that he panics about what to get his mom for Christmas months in advance.
A relationship lives or dies on the ability for two people to work together to make it work. Not one person frantically trying to salvage some scrap of what the relationship could be two, three, maybe even six months in the future.
So give yourself a break, take a deep breath, and leave the Tim and Lyla kind of relationships for the television.
Find yourself a love that feels good right now and doesn't leave you running in place hoping that change is coming.
Change is our own responsibility. We do what feels right in our souls. We do what enables us to look in the mirror at the end of each day and be at peace.
It's an unending, ever-questioning process.
So don't take on that responsibility for two.

Quote of the day, from Le Petit Prince [The Little Prince]
"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."
[One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.]

Peace, love and Panther football,
Kels.

Dallas does...la langue francaise

Bear with me here folks, I've got a special treat just for you. I just finished a special poetry project and want to share it with the world! What started as an annoying trip to the grumpmonsters of the library's Special Collections room has now become a surprisingly cathartic exercise in creativity.
And who new my French would come to good use again!

Part I. The Original

Del coc raconte qui monta

Sour un femier et si grata

Selonc nature porchaçhot

Sa viande si come il sot

Une chiere geme trova,

Clere la vit, si l’esgarda

“Je cuidai,” fait-il, “porchacier

Ma viande sour cest femier,

Or t’ai ici, geme, trovee:

Ja par moi rien iers remuëe.

S’uns riches om ci vos trovast,

Bien sai que d’or vos honorast,

Si acreüst vostre claret

Par l’or qui mout a grant beauté

Quant ma volenté n’ai de toi

Ja nule onor n’avras par moi.”

Autressi est de main te gent,

Se tot ne vait a lor talent,

Come del coc et de la geme,

Veü l’avons d’ome et de feme:

Bien ne onor noient ne present,

Le pis prenent, le mieuz despisent.

(That's French from the Middle Ages, ladies and gents)

Part II. The Translation

“Of a cock who found a gemstone on a manure pile”

This is the story of a cock who made a discovery

On a manure pile while he scratched

As cocks do, searching

For his food on the ground as he had always done.

He found a precious gemstone

And saw it sparkle.

“I believed,” he said, “that I had found

Food on this manure pile.

But it’s you I’ve found, gemstone.

I will not touch you.

If a rich man had found you

I am certain that he would celebrate you as gold.

And note your clarity

As gold of great beauty.

But because you aren’t what I desired,

I will not celebrate you.”

There are many people

Who, when things don’t go as they wish,

Act like the cock with the gemstone.

We’ve seen these men and women:

They don’t value what is good,

And they vilify and despise what is best.

Part III. Imitation/Response

“Of a girl who found love in her heart”

This is the story of a girl who found promise

In her heart, while she smiled

As girls do, laughing

With her friends as she had always done.

She found a precious love

And saw it sparkle.

“I had hoped,” she said, “that you would come

When I was ready.

But you’ve arrived early, love.

I cannot keep you.

If a stronger girl had found you

I am certain she would have expressed endless joy.

And noted your perfection

As love of great worth.

But because you aren’t what I expected,

I will not keep you.”

There are many people

Who, when love comes to leave its mark,

Act like the girl with her guarded heart.

We’ve watched these men and women.

They don’t trust love for what it could be,

And fear it for what it sometimes is.

Hope you enjoy!

Au revoir,
Mademoiselle Kels.

Dallas does...my kind of beautiful.

The way I see it, days after nights with little sleep can go one of two ways. Either you're so sleepy that you can't form coherent sentences, or you float around on a cloud of blissful relaxation and rely on coffee to keep your eyes open. And as the Java House employees could tell you, Kelsey was a very happy camper after she had her Mint White Mocha in hand.
It was a wonderful Wednesday, drifting through my class schedule wearing my favorite Aztec scarf. There were some embarrassing moments, such as when my sleepy self ran me right into a set of doors that were most definitely meant to be pulled and not pushed, but mostly it was the usual rundown of my Iowa education, complete with avoiding note-taking time to write a Christmas list.
So as promised, here's another collection of everything that I'm thankful for on this wondrous Wednesday, November 17:
Being outside after 2 a.m. when the world's asleep
Crazy dreams between when your alarm goes off and when you actually wake up
Whipped Cream
Plain bagels
Nearsightedness
Learning what makes a person nearsighted
Ridiculous raps
Running into doors
Mantastic sports economics
Professor Blake Whitten
Calculator battles
Teddy (bears)
Ginger beards
"Damn, it feels good to be a financier."
Catching people off-guard with positivity
Clicky-clacky keyboards
Carrying hot chocolate purposefully on a brisk winter night
Checking Summit off my IC bar list
Supporting a Cabbie doing stand-up!
Deciding to go on an adventure at the last minute
Independence
Lifetime movies about junior high drama
Pajamas
Learning to live with complications
Feeling valued
Being called "pretty"
Falling back in love with myself (awkward...)
Smiling at people from across a room
Imagining a multitude of possibilities
Being invited places
Having people say "I miss you"
Learning to love growing up.
Cuddling up under the covers after a very long day
Remembering French words that used to roll off my tongue
"I want to go to Greece during thunderstorm season so I can say 'Grease Lightning' without getting weird looks"
Finding out that my blog inspires other young women
Being one day closer to Marsha, Lyndall and Buddy Earl Dallas.
Hebrews 13:2

Another heart-wrenching love quote just for you,
"You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about."

Peace, love and Harry Potter puppet pals,
Kels.

Dallas does...the watusi.

Hey party people, and welcome to my third blog post in as many days. Life is feeling good as my week works its way toward Thanksgiving break.
The assignments are scarce and free time is plentiful as I prep for a week of Turkey Tournament basketball games, school life recaps with friends, working hard for the money at ALMH and all-around hilarity with the rest of the Dallas clan.
This past weekend, my Iowa ace gang and I put together our own Thanksgiving warm-up event, with Hyvee rotisserie chicken to boot. Sugarless failure of a pumpkin pie aside, it was a great meal and arguably a large part of the reason my mood has experienced such a drastic turnaround after the dismal valley of last week.
As we sat around a rummage sale table on chairs coming from all over the apartment (the words 'dirty step stool' come to mind), it was very clear that we could have been making an entire meal of Alain's precious Spam and still be having a great time. Eight very different college student minds were centered around one very important idea: the overwhelming amount of people, events and possessions we had to be thankful for.
Thanksgiving. A day meant to be spent with family and friends saying prayers and spreading gratitude that we have the ability to gather around a table piled high with turkey, ham or maybe just Chinese take-out and be together instead of alone somewhere worrying about everything pulling on our shirt sleeves trying to tug away our smiles.
And so this is the first of what I hope will become a series of posts detailing what I am thankful for as I prepare my heart and soul for the beautiful celebration that is Thanksgiving.
On a foggy Tuesday, November 16, I'm thanking my lucky stars for...
My ability to type capitalized letters using my nose and tongue (I)
Monica Reardon Java House Tuesday extravaganzas.
Chocolate.
Crossword puzzles asking me to name bands that I actually recognize
Horoscopes that tell me "love is on the rise'
My brand-spanking new CPR certification
Capuchin Monkeys
To-go coffee cups
My 70-year old professor's tales of love and loss
A+ Macroeconomics tests
Cold weather that is still brisk and enjoyable
Gma's obsession with the hunt for cleaning ladies
My dad's weather man skill set
Ridiculous techno music by Metro Station that I listened to for an entire summer
Ridiculous girly pop music by the Backstreet Boys that I listened to for an entire five-year period
Aztec scarves
Sharing smiles
The crazy sweater of the parking garage attendant
The look on the parking attendant's face when I complimented his crazy sweater
McDonald's
More specifically, McDonald's Cinna-Melts
Bagel Wednesday! (jumping the gun on this one...)
Facebook notifications
Making people laugh
My nice winter peacoat
Satellite crushes
Seeing my blog on a huge computer monitor as if it was really something
1000awesomethings.com
Pretending that printing a reading off is the same thing as reading it
Prince William getting engaged to a commoner...who will now be a princess!
Feeling sunny again
The idea of being 70 years old someday and having my own stories of love and loss to tell
Giving the Jimmy John's driver a huge tip
When the ridiculous TV couple you care far too much about finally are together and happy
Pandas
Phone calls home
Embarrassing amounts of time spent on weheartit.com
Realizing I've seen a Gilmore Girls episode about ten times and continuing to watch it
Studying at the IMU
Bumpy Ride
Quotes about love that put into words the things I already believe.

And finally, this random quote that just struck me as I worked to pick out today's thought of the day:
"Her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."

Peace, love and princesses,
Kels.

Dallas does...let's talk about love, baby.

It is ridiculous that this is the way in which my newly returned swagger has chosen to express itself, but here is quote after quote about love... These things make me ridiculously happy.

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when you think it's everything you want."

"To have a broken heart is to know you've tried."

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." John Green, Looking for Alaska

"I'm thinking about you like teenage boys think about the birds and the bees, and the bees think about serving the queen, and making honey, and honey, I'm thinking about you like crazy."

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Nietzche

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it." -Waitress

"Sometimes you have to let go to find out if there was anything worth holding on to."

"I wish that you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always wanna know what I was about...And I wish that without me, your heart would break." -Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

"Thou art the star for which all evening waits." -George Sterling

"Never regret something that once made you smile."

"You make my heart smile."

"In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really great time tonight" -"Pretty Woman"

"Do not love me because I love you. Love me for loving me."

"Sometimes not being in control is the most beautiful thing in the world."

And the grand finale!!:

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does."

Love, love and love,
Kels.

Dallas does...uncorking.

The fact of the matter is that I was destined to have a happy temperament. For one thing, my laugh is loud enough to echo. Due to a love/hate relationship with orthodontia, my teeth are unable to touch making me a one-woman open-mouth smile machine. And, if we're being honest, my cheeks don't stretch far enough to create a frown.
I'm also hugely expressive. I have been known to bounce up and down in chairs when I get excited about things, and sometimes my hand motions get so out of control that I smack random bystanders in the head. (Whoops.)
I feel like I've become someone that people can count on to be happy. Someone they can call or text when they need a ray of sunshine to get them through the day. And it's great.
Yes, I have to do a lot of listening, but I love that people trust me to find the silver lining of their crappy situations.
Over the past few years, I've done a lot of growing up. Coming to college in Iowa meant that I was on my own to find out who I was, and I'm proud to say that it's been a very rewarding experience.
If you can remember back to the beginning of these blogs, you'll recall a girl that was absolutely bursting with a zest for life. She couldn't get enough of the simple pleasures of each and every day.
That girl is very much still here. If I didn't have pesky homework to deal with, I could probably devote a blog a day to the hundreds of reasons I have to smile.
But that doesn't mean that life is all rainbows and marshmallows as one of my best guy friends likes to say. In fact, this has been one of the most emotionally trying semesters I've ever had.
You won't notice a change on my report card. And few of my friends would report any difference in my upbeat ways, but I feel like that unending sunshine bursting out of me has been tempered by life realities that have been very hard to face.
In September, my grandpa passed away unexpectedly. Though one could hardly call us close, for a girl who went 19 years without losing a single relative, losing two in less than a year was painful and unsettling.
And during a visit home in October, I received further bad news that has been weighing on my mind even from 200 miles away.
But, as I said, I'm not designed to be unhappy. Swept up in my busy schedule of student org meetings and unending assignments, I could easily pretend that nothing was on my mind but the latest excitement in my romantic adventures or unexpectedly great movies.
I became so absorbed in continuing to be the sunshiny girl that the people in my life were used to that it was impossible to let myself cry or yell or just take a day to lay in bed watching my favorite movies and thinking about where all this pain swirling in my soul was really coming from.
This past week, I gathered up the courage to discuss, in-person, a situation that was distressing me far more than it should have. And I was so incredibly proud and relieved to finally have it out in the open. And having jumped that hurdle, I became convinced that smiles would return naturally and that all the other scary troubles inside of me would dissipate with time.
But then today I went to a Voices of Soul concert with one of my best friends, Nora. It was one of my first gospel choir experiences and I was in awe as raw emotion filled the room and Nora's eyes teared-up during almost every song.
I found it beautiful, but these emotions were separate from me. I was all smiles at the wonderment of it all, but stubbornly unaffected by the power of the message.
And then came the next song- a song about how everything is going to be okay. A rich tone telling me that things are going to get better.
I felt a wave of emotion sweep over me and turned to Nora just as the choke reached my throat. Suddenly, I started sobbing. All of the emotions surrounding worries from home hit me all at once and Nora and I were laughing at the absurdity of the tears rolling down my cheeks.
Sobbing but smiling. Smiling because it felt so good to stop bottling up everything that was dragging me down.
It wasn't hard to figure out why that song got to me. Even Nora said that she knew those lyrics would get me.
"Things are going to get better."
As an eternal optimist, these last few weeks have been tearing me apart. Without fully working through everything on my mind, without talking through everything with family and friends, I had let myself stop believing that everything was going to be okay. That things would get better.
Far from the girl bursting with joy and leaping happily from one adventure to the next, I had been tiptoeing through my life, scared of what would hurt me next.
And as I sit writing this with tears in my eyes, I continue to worry about what emotional turmoil lies ahead in the coming weeks. But as silly as it sounds, that one song has taken away the true fear that I was carrying.
Because there's a spark that has returned- a spark that brought me back to a truth I hold most dear. Life is not meant to be easy. But it's still beautiful.
And no matter how many tears have yet to fall, I know my smile has returned.
Things are going to get better and everything is going to be okay.

Peace, love and pumpkin pie,
Kels.