Friday, January 21, 2011

Dallas does...her return.

Okay, so this is the part where I say how my horribly busy life has kept me from writing on my blog for about a month. It's a fairly acceptable excuse for a college student, though calling my Winter Break life busier than my school life is somewhat of a stretch.
The only thing I was busy doing was reveling in just how not busy I was. I laid on my favorite couch for hours at a time becoming re-addicted to Grey's Anatomy and far too familiar with the Cable schedule. I even did puzzles with my grandma, and watched Jeopardy.
It was an altogether relaxing Winter Break, and I wouldn't have dared to ask for anything better.
But the thing is, no matter how still I sit, I can't turn-off my whirring brain. And I can't ignore how worried I am about how fast time seems to be slipping away these days or how sad I still am about some events of the autumn.
In between wonderful nights watching Pretty Woman with my mom or sitting around talking with my best friends, I was forced to confront a version of myself that was missing her sparkle. A version that didn't feel the same comfort in her own skin from a few months before, or confidence that no matter how complicated things seemed, everything would turn out all right in the end.
My fall semester was wonderful. I did a lot of growing-up, spent time with great people and continued to succeed at a school that I love. I was happy, and convinced that this happiness was stemming from self-confidence and self-love. But one day a sneaking suspicion crept into my thoughts- maybe I was only happy because I wasn't letting myself be sad. And when you're everybody's rainbow-girl, it's a very scary thing to feel so suddenly detached from yourself.
Now, I'm certainly not unhappy. I continue to love every crazy, spectacular, beautiful day that I get to wake-up and be Kelsey. But there was a piece of me that had to admit my idealism (as evidenced in the way I talk about love on this website) could be like a set of blinders keeping me from being truly in-tune with my life. And so I was determined to be more careful with myself, to make sure I wasn't letting a glued-on smile keep me from experiencing the world as I ought to.
So Winter Break was my thinking zone. And now I've returned. Returned to school, returned to blogging and slowly but steadily returning to the same kind of trust relationship I had with my idealism.
For the past month I tried to so hard to try to make sure that my optimism wasn't setting me up for some kind of giant disappointment. All I've been able to conclude is that I'm a lot happier being happy than I am being confused.
I know it's not normal to expect happy endings, but I don't want to stop myself from believing in them.
Hopefully, you're glad I've returned to you. It's going to be another long semester. New classes, new people and new efforts to make every single day special.
I really do believe that with new year comes a clean slate. And the first thing I'm drawing on mine is a smiley face.

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Peace, love and pep,