Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dallas does...all we ever wanted was everything.

Take note of this post's title for a moment.
Soak in the melodrama.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Now what does it call to mind?
For me, it's the title of a novel. A novel I didn't even read, but a novel whose title struck me so deeply that I repeat it as often as possible.
All we ever wanted was everything.
All I ever want is everything.
It means a lot to me. It describes that sensation that has overwhelmed me this entire second semester of my Junior year. A feeling that perfectly describes the way I see my future: It's a blank slate but I'm going crazy trying to fill it up with the perfect plans. I can be an astronaut, the president and, oh yes, a princess, too.
But right now what's echoing in my head as I read it is that unquenchable urge for a relationship that I've spoken about so many times before.
I've approached it from so many angles. The you're-your-own-soulmate angle. The right-guy-is-on-his-way perspective. I've played the devil's advocate who just calls for casual desire-chasing.
But all that I'm left with is the oppressive idea that I don't want anymore angles. I just want the right guy to show up!
And, if events of this past semester have anything to say about it, the right guy is still miles away, but I'm certainly not alone in my hunt.
I've been fielding late night phone calls, debating on the intrinsic merits of Ryan Gosling's character in Blue Valentine, and commiserating with best friends over the pain of loving a guy who will never love you back- all conversations that point to one thing and one thing only: even at this young age, we're all hunting for love.
But love doesn't want to be caught.
We pretend to find it in the wrong people, staying with them long after they've lost the ability to make us happy.
We drive ourselves crazy trying to be attractive, silly, flirty, sassy- ANYTHING to catch the attention of the room.
Even when it's in our grasps we do ridiculous things that chase it away. We become suspicious of it and go crazy with paranoia. We cry ourselves to sleep over lost chances and lost hope.
We resign ourselves to relationships that feel good...enough. Partners who are nice...enough. Who make us happy...enough.
And it all just makes me so sad.
Last weekend I was joking with one of my guy friends about how we could get married if we were both still single at a certain age. Instantly, he responded, "Don't be ridiculous. You'll be in love with someone great long before then." And it felt so easy to believe.
It still feels so easy to believe.
Somehow it has to be true that everybody who cares about love, wants it bad enough to wait for it, will find that right person.
There may be some bumps and stumbles and downright shoves along the way, but maybe if we all stop driving ourselves crazy with the waiting, we'd find out that there's joy in independence too...at this age, at least.
So my advice for today is to stop obsessing. To stop pretending like you have it all figured out and just let life take you by surprise sometimes.
To let stories unfold instead of drafting them in your mind ahead of time.
To know who to trust and who to share yourself with.
To believe in love always. And to believe that somewhere down the line your life's path will meet up with that one person that makes the wait worthwhile.

"And I will love you forever, but forever's so far away."

Peace, love and sappy sappy sap,

1 comment:

  1. "To let stories unfold instead of drafting them in your mind ahead of time."-- I couldn't agree more. Love you, Kelsey Baby. Miss you millions and send billions of hugs your way.