Let's take a journey back in time shall we?
Two weeks ago today I was wrapping up my first Monday of the school year, overwhelmed by the possibilities that lay ahead and wrapped-up in the pure optimism that has come to rule a significant portion of my daily thought processes.
I was fully confident in the fact that in the year ahead my grades would remain high, my time spent on facebook would continue to border on addiction and that somehow in the mix of Iowa City life I would find special moments to share with my best friends back home and my family.
And two weeks ago today I had a crush. Yes, Mandy Moore, I still do refer to them as such.
And in spite of that surprising load of things I already had on my plate to fret over- the homework, the phone calls, the emails, the newsfeed- all I could seem to think about was whether or not to text said crush, say hi to said crush, strike-up a conversation with said crush , wall post said crush or tell said crush that he was, indeed, said crush.
Quite a typical line of thought for a college age girl if I do say so myself, but being 'typical' has never been a goal of mine.
And so, it has taken me two weeks, but I sit behind this computer a changed woman.
After countless days of CAB events, statistical data sets, Katy Perry music, old man professors, and several sad attempts at cooking, the daily stream of thoughts running across my mind has much more of a logical flow to it.
Is Mardy Fish winning? (No) Why is Physics this dumb? (Blah) What happens with a price drop for a close substitute in Econ? (Decrease in demand) How does Ricky Stanzi look with longer hair? (Good) Can I trust Alain to not eat this dessert I'm saving? (Sometimes)
Especially this weekend, and with the help of a wonderful visit from my mamacita, I've realized that the only thing to gain from over-analysis is a headache.
Little is to be won or lost in the time spent agonizing over the feelings of a crush. All we can truly do is make peace with ourselves and work hard each day to be personally fulfilled without the need for attentions from our chosen suitors.
And after spending an entire weekend reveling in all of those ridiculous activities that put a smile on my face- watching tennis, playing tennis, finding a perfect pair of jeans, dressing up to go grocery shopping, Scrabble- I feel so entirely pleased with being Kelsey that I seem to lack the energy to continue worrying about how each action I take is amplified in the mind of the aforementioned gentleman.
So here I lay on my comfy bed, preparing to get some sleep before I begin the third week of this semester's classes, and I still have said crush. And I'm still not sure if it will amount to anything. And I still have no idea what he's thinking.
But in the scope of my entirely beautiful life, chasing after admiration seems secondary to my own daily pursuits of happiness.
Loved or left, the inner workings of my world need to remain in tact. I can't control what I must take as given, any more than I could stop Mardy Fish from playing horribly in his fourth round match against Djokovic.
All I can do is be Kelsey and know that, in the grand scheme of things, commitment to authenticity is more powerful than the returned affections of a thousand crushes.
Today's thought of the day from a favorite wild-haired wise man:
"True religion is real living; living with all one's soul, with all one's goodness and righteousness." -Albert Einstein
Peace, love and popsicles,
Kels.
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